Having seen a number of movies in the theaters recently, I’ve decided to make public the rules I generally follow when embarking on the movie-going experience.  The principle behind these rules is that movies cost $9.00+, so the experience better be a good one.  And you needn’t pay for the new, trendy luxury movie theater experiences; you can get the same experience for the normal price.  It all comes down to combating the bad aspects of the common movie-going experience.

The reasons for why the usual movie-going experience aren’t due to any particular demographic, but rather a culmination of things.  First I’ll go through the usual bothersome experiences found at movie theaters:

• Talking during the movie.

Usually blamed on teenagers, they aren’t the only ones who find it acceptable to talk during movies.  It seems the larger the crowd, the more it is deemed appropriate to talk during the movie.  If I wanted to talk with my friend or family member, I certainly wouldn’t spend $9 to do it.

• The frequent cell phone checker.

In the age of the always-on cell phone, we’re inundated with calls, texts, e-mails, and other alerts, and these don’t magically stop during movies.  What does stop, however, is the common sense to not check the phone.  Unless you’re a first responder or the President of the United States, you probably aren’t important enough to have to take a call in the movie theater.

• The crowd itself.

Let’s be honest: we like our space.  That means we enjoy being able to put our feet up where we aren’t supposed to and use our neighboring seat as a storage space for our jacket and overpriced popcorn.  Having the awkward war with the neighboring stranger over the arm rest isn’t a particularly enjoyable experience.

• The overpriced concession stand.

According to an article on MSNBC, “the average markup of an ounce of popcorn at the movie theater is about 1,275%.”  While movie theaters generally make a tight profit, the article states it has more to do with the willingness of the customer to pay $11 for a medium soda and popcorn.

With those concerns in mind, I generally stick to a very strict set of rules that has, thus far, ensured a successful movie-going experience, so much, in fact, that I’ll go to 2-4 movies per week, even if they aren’t particularly great movies.  There’s just something about seeing the movie on a huge screen and great speakers that makes the experience worthwhile.  …well, when these rules are followed, at least:

Never go on a Friday or Saturday.  Instead, go on a Sunday or Monday.

Everyone goes to the movie theater for dates or friend/family nights on Fridays and Saturdays, and thus ensuring that they’ll be the busiest days of the week.  However, I’ve found that very few people like seeing movies on the day before having to work, particularly when coupled with my next rule:

Go to the latest show.

No one wants to go to the 10:20 show for a two-hour movie the night before starting the dreaded work week.  Going to the latest show on the least-popular days ensures a very small crowd.

Get to the movie 30 minutes early.

This seems a little extreme, and it’s the one that oftentimes gets nixed by movie-going friends, but getting to the movie theater a half-an-hour early is usually enough time for the employees to clean the theater from the previous crowd and also allows you to get the best seat in the theater.  I prefer the one at the highest row, directly in the middle; you know, the good one.

Eat beforehand.

I must admit: I love movie theater popcorn.  Even though they’re small pieces of popcorn, the butter and light salt makes it one the tastiest treats on the planet.  Couple it with a nicely sized soft drink that washes down the butter and salt, and you’ve got yourself a meal… and an expensive one, at that.  By simply stopping off and getting a bean burrito or some fries, I’ll save over $9 per trip to the theater.

By following those four simple rules I find movie-going bliss.  One of the happiest moments in my life is entering the long, dark hallway of a movie theater, rounding the corner, and seeing my favorite seat waiting for me.  Hopefully following the rules will ensure a positive movie-going experience for you, too.